The Name Dropper
“So I was talking to Vinny—you know Vinny, right? Well, duh—about last weekend’s Bottleshare was so so Rad—it was pretty exclusive so they let, like, 50 people know about it-- but Patrick Rue- you know from the Bruery-- Dr. Bill, Ken Grossman, Jim Koch, Mikkel, and Greg Koch were ALL THERE! They’re working on a limited release collab. to be released at a secret date…………”
Sound familiar? This brand of Hipster Douchebag is about as common as Stormtroopers on a Death Star. You can find them at most bars with over 40 tap handles wearing a combination of craft beer t-shirts or bottle caps that have been woven into their daily style my means of jewelry or even just crimping a bottle cap somewhere on their favorite plaid shirt.
The Magalhães (aka The Magellan)
The Magellan has a Curriculum Vitae that looks more like a map for a pub crawl than a job application. This Hipster Douchebag has been to/or worked at all the hyper local craft beer venues in their immediate metro area—ALL OF THEM—which was a difficult feat that no one else could possibly have accomplished so extra effort must be made to note this on said work experience, bio, blog, or casual conversation while he pours your beer.
Class of ’98? Bitch, please. This Hipster Douchebag was drinking craft beer straight from the first Sierra Nevada brite tank. Charlie Papazian, Fred Eckhardt, and John Palmer all looked to this hipster for advice on their books. Identifying this craft beer douchebag is easier than spotting Courtney Love at a convent. WARNING: this hipster will tell you everything they know whether you like it or not. They are prepared to inform you, for you are the uninformed simply by your being present. (Don’t worry it shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.)
A Sheep in Plaid Clothing
It writes like a lowly blogger, it reeks of young social media, it even, at one point, desperately wanted to work for a brewery—but make no mistake, this is not blogging, micro-blogging, vlogging or any other kind of “logging”— once this styling sheep has made even a penny off their words a wondrous metamorphosis occurs—their words become Journalism! Watch out world here comes haute gonzo journalism at its finest; and rue he who hath the audacity to group said journalist with a lowly blogger for there is empirical evidence of these journalist ventures via a modern take on the Guttenberg device. If it’s in print then it must be real!
The Fear Monger
The Endtimes Hipster. This is a sad little hipster that desperately wants to impact the world of craft beer before their time runs out. “All these damn kids are starting breweries, blogs, getting certifications, knowledge…and it’s just not the way it used to be, man.” The fear of their impending obscurity veils their objectiveness faster than the brilliance of Artax in the Swamp of Sadness. But as with all Gollum-like creatures, we should have compassion when they get on their soap box. Because in the end, their article on how a beer tastes and the truth to be found swimming in their privileged cup-- well, that’s just, like their opinion, man.