Tuesday, August 13, 2013

5 Types of Craft Beer Hipster Douchebag



The Name Dropper

“So I was talking to Vinny—you know Vinny, right? Well, duh—about last weekend’s Bottleshare was so so Rad—it was pretty exclusive so they let, like, 50 people know about it-- but Patrick Rue- you know from the Bruery-- Dr. Bill, Ken Grossman, Jim Koch,  Mikkel, and Greg Koch were ALL THERE! They’re working on a limited release collab. to be released at a secret date…………”

Sound familiar? This brand of Hipster Douchebag is about as common as Stormtroopers on a Death Star. You can find them at most bars with over 40 tap handles wearing a combination of craft beer t-shirts or bottle caps that have been woven into their daily style my means of jewelry or even just crimping a bottle cap somewhere on their favorite plaid shirt.


The Magalhães (aka The Magellan)

The Magellan has a Curriculum Vitae that looks more like a map for a pub crawl than a job application. This Hipster Douchebag has been to/or worked at all the hyper local craft beer venues in their immediate metro area—ALL OF THEM—which was a difficult feat that no one else could possibly have accomplished so extra effort must be made to note this on said work experience, bio, blog, or casual conversation while he pours your beer.


The Lifer

Class of ’98? Bitch, please. This Hipster Douchebag was drinking craft beer straight from the first Sierra Nevada brite tank. Charlie Papazian, Fred Eckhardt, and John Palmer all looked to this hipster for advice on their books. Identifying this craft beer douchebag is easier than spotting Courtney Love at a convent. WARNING: this hipster will tell you everything they know whether you like it or not. They are prepared to inform you, for you are the uninformed simply by your being present. (Don’t worry it shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.)


A Sheep in Plaid Clothing

It writes like a lowly blogger, it reeks of young social media,  it even, at one point, desperately wanted to work for a brewery—but make no mistake, this is not blogging, micro-blogging, vlogging or any other kind of “logging”— once this styling sheep has made even a penny off their words a wondrous metamorphosis occurs—their words become Journalism! Watch out world here comes haute gonzo journalism at its finest; and rue he who hath the audacity to group said journalist with a lowly blogger for there is empirical evidence of these journalist ventures via a modern take on the Guttenberg device. If it’s in print then it must be real!


The Fear Monger

The Endtimes Hipster. This is a sad little hipster that desperately wants to impact the world of craft beer before their time runs out. “All these damn kids are starting breweries, blogs, getting certifications, knowledge…and it’s just not the way it used to be, man.” The fear of their impending obscurity veils their objectiveness faster than the brilliance of Artax in the Swamp of Sadness. But as with all Gollum-like creatures, we should have compassion when they get on their soap box. Because in the end, their article on how a beer tastes and the truth to be found swimming in their privileged cup-- well, that’s just, like their opinion, man.




16 comments:

Yes! My precious, he hases it. This is by far the best thing to come from today's uproar of lowly beer bloggers!

You did miss the sweaty pretzel necklace dbag though

Or the guy who brings his g/f or significant along so he can use up all of his tabs/tokens then plow through hers because she doesn't even like beer. Double fisting, bro!

The one true classic was omitted, the "I have tried and remember every beer ever made and they were all mediocre at best." He actually hates beer but that doesn't stop him from having a journal of all the awful micro's he has sipped.

#6 The Caller Outer- Secretly wants to be a piece of every other douchebag #craftbeer swillin' hipster persona, all to be melded into one ultimate douchebag #craftbeer hipster.

Just bustin' bro. To each his own. Just enjoy the beer that's in front of ya every minute you can.

Lol, so many trifling ass beer drinkers out there.

You forgot Trade Economist Hipster with a slide abacus peeping out every deal or 2oz skank hipster, getting that HSV mouth on every lil taster he/she can gargle down.

Sick variants, breh.

Then there is the blogger that passes judgement, mocks, and labels while sitting on her high horse. Congratulations on pioneering the "Elitist" beer drinker.

Wow, speaking of douchey.

Haha I even inspired you to create an account just to comment<3 mock? Yes. High horse? Never ;)

This is the exact opposite end if the spectrum to the "one-upper" classic! Thanks for the comment!

Thanks for sharing! I love it: douche rehabilitation!

Hahaha $10 says I hit too close to home...
There's an old Carley Simon song that applies there I think :-D

This comment has been removed by the author.

This post somehow makes me laugh with all the citation you made about these craft beer hipsters. Well, these hipsters might have done something about the shift of demand. But I doubt it if we have to blame all these price changes to the so-called, "hipsters". Although I agree that the price of premium brands are soaring high lately. Why don't you try home beer brewing. I have tried it myself and even made my own beer mixes/refills available for you all at www.brewdemon.com

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